OH GOD. ONE MORE WEEK. Let’s just do this. I’m having so much trouble finding the energy to care.
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My posts are late because real life sucked this week. But nothing could suck as hard as the American Idol auditions in LA did. Not even Courtney Love.
Los Angeles. The city of the famewhore. The hooker of America. Where clouds of desperation so thick hang over the city, the government had to tell everyone it was smog. Where everyone is too busy circle jerking to notice everyone else thinks they’re morons. Sure, there are people there that aren’t the social equivalent of a guy who takes polaroids of dick and hands them out at the grocery store. I just don’t know how they stop themselves from walking in front of a bus every morning. With all of the attention whoring people desperate to famous out there, I’m shocked at the level of mediocre talent we were shown on television.
Let’s just get to it. The sooner we do it, the sooner it’ll be over. Continue Reading »

Danny Gokey‘s video for “My Best Days Are Ahead of Me” premiered on AmericanIdol.com this week. I know the thought is frightening, but you’re going to need to watch it before we can discuss it. Don’t worry, I watched it and I’m mostly fine.

See, that wasn’t so bad, was it? If you started hyperventilating, just get a paper bag and breathe slowly into it. Also: calm the fuck down, this is American Idol, not Disneyland.
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I really thought I couldn’t get more jaded, and then I started writing these little intros. I feel like an fifty year old woman on her ninth marriage. After about the fourth one, you’re just looking for someone you don’t want to murder in their sleep. By the ninth one, you’re just sitting in your underwear with a bucket of chicken on your stomach, waiting for someone to accidentally flash a boob or something. There’s no magic left, only cheap, fleeting thrills.

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I’d like to remind everyone that we have to sit through two more weeks of this shit. If you didn’t just slit your own wrists, I admire your tenacity. I mean, who doesn’t loathe sitting through an hour filled with mockery delivered with all the wit of a first grader coupled with more pathetic delusion than a room full of people that still find Oprah relevant? I feel like people that enjoy these episodes are the same people that watch Jay Leno, even though his mouth is where jokes go to commit suicide. These are the people that still say “You go, girl!” and then say it again louder when you pretend you can’t hear them. They can’t even recognize an act of mercy when it’s right in front of their faces. So Simon Cowell is the absolute pinnacle of wit. Do we feel sorry for them, or do we curse them for making us suffer through American Idol audition episodes? I’m not even sure anymore.

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Adam Lambert recently attended the VH1 Critics Choice Movie Awards, where he presented an award with Sarah Silverman and walked the red carpet.

Oh, Adam. Your outfit is like a vortex of suck. Where to even start with the ridicule?

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Idolbert – New Video

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