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When watching the idol auditions in Atlanta, one can’t help but lament they’re stuck here inside with four hacks and a slew of desperate famewhores instead of at the Coke Museum, or in Ted Turner’s house kicking him in the balls for giving us WCW. It’s kind of like detention on the first day of spring. I’m imagining most of us got stuck here for looking at too much internet porn or smoking pot in the bathroom. If you want to advance to the Hollywood rounds, you’re going to have to prove you can be responsible and not get caught next time, okay? Well, thanks to a 62 year old man and his magical song, it all ends up kind of like the Breakfast Club in the end, anyway. I’ve already decided I’m the Judd Nelson in this scenario, so you’re going to have to pick someone else.

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I’d say, “It’s that time of year again,” but I’m going to choose to believe if you’ve got a computer, you already know that information. If this isn’t your first time at this pony show, this part is like sticking a needle in your eye and leaving it there for four weeks. These episodes were never intended for you, anyway. These episodes are an attempt to lure the spoon-fed masses in with mockery in the hopes one of the depressing sob stories will tug at their heartstrings just enough for them to stick around. Then they can sell more Coke and AT&T and Ryan Seacrest can lure more people to his radio show, where he infects us all with music that makes our souls die, so our hollow shells just consume more Coke and more AT&T. We know it and we don’t fucking care because we love this show anyway, even if it’s just a stupid little contest they do to fill up time between ad space. One day, they’re going to figure a way around it, I think. Let’s enjoy it while we can.

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